Baby I Been Waitin' for You Don'tt Run Away Now We've for Nothin' to Lose

Does your kid ignore every consequence you requite him? James Lehman can assist with 10 specific ways to make consequences work—even for the virtually resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, they'll oft human action similar it doesn't matter to them. When your child says, "I don't care," or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what he's really saying is, "You lot can't hurt me."

That'due south because receiving a consequence makes kids feel powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, "Whatsoever," simply in society to experience in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the result—not whether or non he'south going to care.

Personally, I don't think parents should worry likewise much when their child appears not to exist affected. Instead, I think you should focus on what y'all desire your child to learn from the consequence—not whether or not he's going to care.

In fact, I think trying to go your child to care is a misdirected goal. Don't put so much weight on making him "hurt" that you're not thinking about trying to go your kid to learn a new behavior. If your kid can terminate you in your tracks by proverb "I don't intendance," yous're giving him mode too much power.

To put it some other way, if you're looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is non designed to make your child say, "I'm sorry, Mom, I was incorrect." Rather, information technology's there to help your child change his behavior.

Call up of it this way. The consequence for not post-obit the speed limit is that you might become a speeding ticket. Yous may shrug and say, "Any," to the police officer when he pulls you over, but that won't stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, "I don't care," he'll say, "Well, here you lot become, sir. Have a good solar day." He won't argue with you. He'll but hand you the ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a event. Don't get sucked into an statement when your teen says, "I don't care," considering that statement brings you lot downwards to his level—and that's what he's looking for. Instead, only say:

"All right, fine, but you're even so going to lose your cell telephone for 48 hours."

Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Once again, if you're trying to get your child to care most the result you give him, that'southward like trying to get him to like you. Yous shouldn't try to control his emotional life. Just say:

"These are the consequences."

And even if he says he doesn't care, allow him know that he volition meet them once again if he breaks the rules.

Hither are 10 tips for how to requite consequences that work—even when kids say they don't care.

1. Utilize Consequences That Take Meaning

It'due south about never effective to give your child a issue in the estrus of an argument. Oftentimes, parents will be either too harsh or as well lenient, considering nothing appropriate comes to heed immediately.

I propose parents to sit down and write a "consequences list." You can think of this every bit a menu of choices. When compiling this listing, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be unpleasant, because y'all want your child to experience uncomfortable. It'due south besides of import to call up about the lesson you lot desire him to larn—and this lesson should exist attached to the upshot.

If, similar nearly teens, your kid's cell telephone has meaning for him, don't exist shy about using information technology every bit leverage. And so let'due south say your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you desire him to learn how to manage his feelings. I call up an effective issue might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesn't expletive and isn't rude to his sister for 24 hours.

In those 24 hours, he might likewise have to write a annotation of amends to his sibling stating what he'll exercise differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter, he doesn't get his phone back—and the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Don't Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Remember, your job is not to become your child to honey his sister or to entreatment to his emotions with a voice communication because all he volition hear is, "Your sister looks up to you, blah, apathetic, blah."

Your chore is to take his phone and say:

"Hey, nosotros talk to each other nicely effectually here. And if y'all can't do that, then you lot can't use the telephone. We'll talk about giving it back to you after you lot talk nicely to your family for 24 hours."

3. Make Consequences Blackness and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you lot proceed things, the better. Again, you lot don't want to get into details and long speeches. What you want to practise is lay out your consequences for your kid's inappropriate behavior very clearly.

It's often helpful if he knows alee of time what volition happen when he acts out. The consequences for your kid's behavior should exist clear to him. Tell him:

"If you talk nastily to your sis, this is what'southward going to happen from now on."

And whenever you're going to introduce an thought to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, or frustrating to him, exercise information technology when things are going well, not when everybody'southward screaming at each other. Look until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

four. Talk to Your Child Well-nigh Effective Problem-Solving

I remember it's vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has occurred. When things are going well, you lot tin say:

"If you go frustrated with your sister in the future, what tin you do differently, other than to call her names? Let'south make a list."

You lot might aid generate some ideas past saying:

"Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to some music for a few minutes? Could you exercise that?"

And try to help your child come up with his own ideas. He might say, "If she follows me around the house, I'll go to my room."

Yous can then say:

"All right, why don't we attempt that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, selection one thing that you're going to practice from this list and see if it's helpful."

Conversations like these are how you lot become your child to think about alternative solutions other than yelling at his sister, name-calling, or interim out.

Wait at information technology this manner: nosotros all go frustrated, we all get angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to larn to deal with those feelings appropriately. And a trouble-solving conversation is the most effective style to talk with your child about alter.

5. Don't Become Sucked into an Statement over Consequences

Don't accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you lot to get upset so he tin can drag you lot into a fight.

Your child too wants to show you that he's not hurt by the issue you've given him. Believe me, I understand that it's annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will effort to push button your buttons by saying: "Who cares. Any." But don't get sucked into it. Only say:

"All correct, it's too bad that y'all don't care. That means information technology's merely going to happen more than ofttimes."

Then become do something else. And remember, while you don't want to get sucked into a ability struggle, you also don't want to destroy your child's pride by demeaning him. You just desire him to cease talking poorly to his sister.

half dozen. Don't Teach Your Kid How to "Do Time"

Many parents become frustrated and footing their kids for long periods of time in society to brand the penalization stick. Personally, I call up that's a mistake.

If yous just ground your kid, you're teaching him to do time. And he won't learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you tin greatly increment the effectiveness of the consequence.

I ever say to make your consequences chore-oriented, not time-oriented. Then if your child loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something inside that fourth dimension frame that helps him improve his behavior. Only grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to look until he can get them back—not how to carry more than accordingly. Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to become a bigger hammer, simply that's not a sound teaching method. And information technology's ineffective.

Remember near it, if you ground him for 30 days and and then he does something wrong tomorrow, what are you lot going to exercise? Basis him for 40 days? It won't be effective at that point. And you probably won't stick to it anyway. Y'all are basically out of grounding ammunition!

But, if you ground him for 24 hours, then if he misbehaves again after in the week, you tin ground him again. Once again, nosotros want consequences to be learning experiences. A issue that doesn't fit the criminal offence will but seem meaningless to your child, and won't get y'all the desired result.

Think, you don't want to be so castigating that your child simply gives up. And you don't want to use up all your consequences armament all at one time. It's ineffective and doesn't interpret to meliorate beliefs. And better beliefs IS the goal.

7. Engage Your Child's Cocky-involvement

Acquire to enquire questions in means that appeal to your child's self-involvement. Then for example, you might say:

"What are yous going to exercise the next fourth dimension you call up Dad is being unfair so you won't get into problem?"

In other words, you're trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won't intendance nearly how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from the feelings of others, particularly their parents. They might feel guilty and say they're sorry afterwards, but you'll see the behavior happen once again.

So learn to appeal to their cocky-involvement, and enquire him the question:

"What tin you do so you lot don't become in trouble next fourth dimension?"

Put information technology in his best interests. Say to him:

"Sympathise, if you're going to talk to your sis meanly or curse at her, things are but going to get worse for yous, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so allow's think of ways for you to be able to do that."

viii. Larn to Know If a Result Is Working

Parents often say to me, "My child acts like he doesn't care. So how do I know if the consequence I'm giving him is actually working?"

I ever tell them, "It's simple—yous'll know it'due south working every bit long as he's being held accountable." Accountability gives you lot the best gamble for change.

Call up again about the police force officer who gives the speeding ticket. Does he really believe that a single speeding ticket ensures that a driver never speeds again? Of course not. Only, the officer knows that if he holds the speeder accountable every time that fifty-fifty the worst offenders eventually acquire to boring downwards.

9. Don't Take Away Important Events

In my stance, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, y'all should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That's a milestone in your child's life.

Personally, I call up that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn annihilation from that feel. He'south only going to exist bitter.

I besides believe that sports should not be taken abroad. I have no trouble with kids missing a do if that's function of a issue, but taking abroad the sport entirely is not a good thought.

10. Don't Evidence Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your child, be consistent and firm, but don't testify disgust or disdain.

In my stance, you lot should never be sarcastic with your child because information technology's wounding. What you're trying to do is raise someone who tin part, non somebody who feels they're a constant disappointment to y'all.

Information technology'southward very important to shape your beliefs so that your kid knows y'all're not taking his mistakes personally. Call back, the look on your face and the tone of your vox communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is disquisitional for getting your bulletin across.

A Concluding Idea

I think it's important to remember that life is actually a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and at that place is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today.

Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Call back of it this style: what yous're really trying to practice is work on your child'south behavior to get him to attempt to do different things.

And then if your child misbehaves and y'all ground him from everything indefinitely, y'all're losing sight of all the other things he did right. And he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a error your kid makes. Parents frequently wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, "Well, they do that considering they're kids. They're not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults exercise."

Nosotros desire our kids to learn, so we use the things they savor equally leverage to teach them better behavior. Afterwards all, giving your child a consequence until he shows you he tin can do ameliorate is an effective tool yous have at your disposal at all times—fifty-fifty if he tells you he doesn't intendance.

Related content:
How to Get Your Child to Mind: ix Secrets to Giving Effective Consequences
Ask Parent Coaching: What to Do When Your Kid Says "I Don't Care"

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-ignore-consequences-10-ways-to-make-them-stick/

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